Mother's Day

The concept of Mother's Day is only just starting to "set in". Despite having a 7 year old daughter, giving me 7 years to get used to this idea, I usually still think about my Mom and picture our brunches we used to have when I was growing up; and the tea or breakfast I would try to make for her when she awoke. It meant a day to say thanks, and have some nice celebration...

As for myself, I am learning slowing about how this day through my kid's eyes and not my own.

This morning, I got up to my daughter handing me a lovely poster that had designs all over and read "MOM" she also wrote a note saying happy mothers day. My son had already given me a special plant that he made during school two days ago. (I have to back track since for most of last week I was away on a business trip; and thus could not spend the "Mothers Day Tea" with Alec at his school on Friday morning.)

Back to today, my son was still kind of confused that his school's Mothers Day Tea was spent with my Mom, instead of me so he was not sure why Bella was saying Happy Mothers day; but he obliged and gave me a hug anyways.

After breakfast in our library, we went about our normal day, hangin outside, gardening, weeding, enjoying coffee in the sun and munching some yummy snacks that was partially due to some wonderful gifts friends from Holland brought over (winegums, stroopwaffels...) and homemade banana cardamom bread. We also wished Happy Mom Day to the other mothers in our family, (Oma & Pumpkin, we love you!!)

Towards the end of the day after a not so cool cooking experiment (homemade wheat pasta was GREAT; but no one but me loves a fresh cherry tomatoes pasta toss) I gave the kids a shower, got them ready for bed and checked Isabella's folder from school to clean it out for Monday...

I found a lovely, surprising project she had worked on; which really made me pause and basically stopped me in my tracks.

Her project was to fill in some blanks at school regarding her Mom. Much of what she wrote was so different that I would have anticipated; yet at the same time, it was so Isabella. More importantly, and perhaps surprisingly, it made me realize how she may see me.

It made me understand more about today; its not about the brunches, dinners, or flowers etc. it is about the art of Mom, the love we receive and appreciating that amazing bond between parents and children.



To all moms, hope you had a wonderful Mothers Day!

Upcoming "family" trip!

I love travel, and Pieter and I enjoyed flying to France, Holland, Belgium, Colorado, NY city, Israel, Boston and more before we had kids. After kids, well its rather obvious our flying legs took a break in exchange for family wings. Luckily, we were able to fly out to Paris and cruise along the Baltic Sea last summer, but both trips without the company of our two favorite people.

Instead of traveling out of town, we transform our evenings and weekends into family activities like gardening, hiking, walking through Princeton, grocery shopping, steam train riding and even heading to Manhattan (have not done yet but will this summer). As the kids grow older (4 and 7) we can slowly expand our wings into places and time that can span oceans, visiting family and finally taking a plane.

This summer we are all traveling to the Netherlands, for 2 weeks...an entire 2 weeks... an entire 2 weeks. Sorry, this repeat is only a symptom of my inability to believe this reality. Ordinarily, I only take 2-3 days of vacation at a time due to my hectic schedule at work (and my workaholic nature). Yet this time, we are doing it, and I can't wait...my kids are so excited about the plane, and Alec keeps "Are we taking a plane? Please take me on a plane, with Mommy, Daddy and Isabella"; while Isabella reminds us that when we take the plane (which she yells for joy each time) her and her brother will have to ride with an adult while the plane takes off to be safe (she is really conscientious, even her teacher told us so).

In some ways, this trip is a long overdue, since every year we have as a family mentioned a possibility to go to Holland but have never felt is was quite yet right, both due to the ages of Bella and Alec, and also cost for 4 tickets is not too cheap these days. But this year, and ironically even due to my constant business travel, everything has come together.

Traveling for work can sometimes mean my time is very limited and I hardly think of "time off" for myself. And yet, because every trip is usually associated with some reward point system, I accumulate tons of potential rewards. This summer, they have become a wonderful gift for our family.

Besides getting 2 Continental round trip tickets to the Netherlands in mid July mostly from points, Pieter and I will be taking a short trip to DC courtesy of my Hyatt and Amtrak rewards...finally I can see this town from outside the office and can go to the Spy museum! : )

Anyway, can't wait for these trips to happen, and to finally share some long overdue time with our dear friends and family across the ocean in Holland. (Oma, here we come!!!!!!)

Leuk, eh?? (Dutch for cool)

Once

Sometimes, it is important to get inspired by music, art, creativity and love. Over the past few weeks, I have had very close friends (2) who have lost their father and my heart goes out to them. It is not easy losing someone even though the journey for that special soul may have only just continued to another place. Missing a person never stops; as I can certainly relate. Tonight as I was arriving from one of my weekly trips from DC, I was reminded of my Dad.

It wasn't expected, as I was kind of exhausted after a long train ride from DC. But as I left the train to get to my car late at night, I felt the fresh black air which helped to wake me up a bit. I was happily surprised to see so many folks at the station late at night (as I was worried a bit for my safety). Anyway, I got in my car and hooked up my IPOD to listen to my favorite soundtrack "ONCE" which always raises my heart's senses. (Leave is an incredible track...)

After departing the "Metropark" station, I drove past the Garden State Parkway exit that I needed to take; but luckily, due to my handy "TOM TOM" I then was instructed to turn into an alternative road towards my town.

I ended up being on a special road, which actually relates to my Dad. 30 odd years ago, my father, James Gill (American version of Tajammul) worked as a civil engineer in Central Jersey. As the story goes, one of the roads he helped designed was not assigned any particular name. As a result, they named it after my Dad's last name "Gill" Lane; why not? The engineer could get some credit too : )

So here I was driving and my Dad's name was flashing on my TOM TOM. It was a surreal experience, as my thoughts began to veer into my memories of him of our good times and difficult ones. The Once soundtrack kept on playing (Falling Slowly & When Your Mind is Made Up) and I was reminded of so many things about my youth, my experiences growing up and how many things I didn't know; and hadn't asked my Dad about.

Some things I wish I could have shared with him, if only I could turn back the clock and speak to him about some choices, ideas and perspectives that a young girl at my age could never have known. If I did know, it could have (maybe) helped at the time.

Anyway, reflecting over this was good and has kept me up for another hour (past Midnight) before an early work day.

It is (very) late but somehow I wanted to just share this moment and to be reminded that people we have loved don't ever really fade from our hearts, no matter how much time goes by, as long as we continue to remember. And, although it still hurts to miss my Dad, there is a sense of peace that arises that he somehow hears me and knows.

Peace. Check out ONCE on http://www.myspace.com/oncesoundtrack

Plato was right

“Justice in the life and conduct of the State is possible only as first it resides in the hearts and souls of the citizens”

Reading about the scandal that hit the NY Times, I wonder how a former Attorney General who fought for justice (famously) on behalf of NY State could fall so fast from his pedestal for a reason I cannot understand, empathize or fathom in the slightest.

Justice and honesty are not merely background apparitions that we somehow relate to; but should instead be principles that are the driving force behind our actions. This is particularly true with respect to those invidividuals who represent many from the perspective and actions of one.

Truth is not a flimsy value, nor a detachable amenity. It is instead a self-evident characteristic, that I would argue, has to be practiced, struggled with and endured. Understanding truth and thereby implementing justice by weighing the "right" and the "wrong" is an essential trait that any of us should continue to aspire to. Whether guided by religion, family tradition, stories or myths, each person has the capacity to reach this threshold and to distinguish from truth and error.

If that individual is then called upon the function, to perform duties on behalf of others, to represent the interest of thousands of people who rely on them and depend on that persons' judgment, then the qualities of that person's character should uphold these principles as their guide.

It is sad when this does not happen, and as reality sets in this is often the case.

Maybe, just maybe, authenticity and honesty is becoming recognizable as something we like, appreciate and crave. There is a sense that our expectations on politics and government is changing. If so, then perhaps this cynical reality of today will change and we will learn by example rather than empty words.

"Yes We Can"

Woah, check out the url: www.yeswecansong.com.

This is a music video by the singer from Black Eyed Peas based on a recent speech by Barack Obama. It just seems to be light upon light. The story on how it was developed is on http://www.abcnews.go.com/Politics/story?id=4231523&page=1

Enjoy and get ready to be inspired.

Memories old and new

Tomorrow is Isabella's 7th birthday. We have decided to actually have the celebration at our home, old-style, retro without the rented space, huge activities and 2 hours of fun filled contrived amazement. Instead, we opted to host our own party, with games and activities, for both the kids AND the adults. It will be more like a family get together with a few friends joining in. As part of the events, we are going to have Face painting (to take place in our library as folks are arriving) followed by a game with the parents of Musical Chairs. Because we will be using Bella's favorite music, the tunes we will be running seeking a seat will have to be Belle & Sebastian; U2 and the Police. (She has really cool taste)

Anyways, in between the rounds, we will have questions which are derived from a family--kid activity game that will pose questions about favorite vacations, making funny poems, and hearing about what everyone's favorite child memory was.

After we will have the kids put on a puppet show, eat homemade Pizza by Pieter (the best US & Holland) and enjoy a chocolate home made cake with chocolate whipped cream in between covered with ganache. (just finished trying the whipped cream, only too good)

I am looking forward to her day; partly because it is so home-grown grass roots kinda thing, and partly because it just is her 7th birthday. She has grown so much, and I still remember the moments (48 hours of it) as I delivered this little girl into the world. She was staring wide open at everything around her; and she didnt cry one bit. Her perception of the world is much like the picture she created posted above. Full of color, energy, life and creativity. She is an amazing daughter and I am so happy (wining notwithstanding) on how she has turned out.

Anyways, this week was also the 15th year after my Father's departure from this earthly part of the world. I thought of him often and can't help but to think that he was somehow part of this newly planned celebration for tomorrow. I know he will be there with open arms, smiling as he always did and happy about the joy, love and fun that we will be having.

Der Kommissar

There are few things that I enjoy more than listening to a great piece of music from the 80's reveling in the synergy of new wave, synthetic pop sang by my favorite Euro-Hip artists. Love it!!

Anyway, lately I have actually HAD the time to connect back to my music, friends, time with family and even some cooking. After a whirlwind of over a year of hectic traveling, running around to east coast, from DC, to NY to DC to Long Island, to DC, Atlanta, NY, DC etc. I have finally found a balance that I can live with. Namely, less traveling, more home time and actually pacing myself MUCH better.

This does not mean that "work" is actually any less, nor did I actually change anything specific in my job role; but instead it means I took balance seriously and looked at my life HARD CORE. I simply realized that the only person to take the reigns was me; and you know what? Everything is better (with less travel too). Late nights aside, my time management is getting more aligned to what I want my life to be; rather than live through constant reaction of several issues at once.

Finally, my dearest friend and soulmate can actually focus on his creative gift and write... Finally I can play with my kids during the weeknights, and weekends. Finally...I caught up on watching some Project Runway (just 1 nights worth but it was fun) Finally...I am listening to more music, reading, and getting back to seeing more friends.

Perhaps I'll even have a chance to write more (well, I won't go that far, but who knows?) Hopefully it will last a while...for now, I'll savor the moments and look forward to a long awaited holiday with family.

thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a holiday that I don't always know what to expect; especially since the family traditions kind of faded when my Father passed away and our big dinners have become occasional at best. New families and mingling traditions make the event that was once your own and so familiar, confusing based on which family's, inlaws, etc. one attends; or hosts or passes up for another year. Through all the shuffling, the constant is the menu, which then sustains a tradition in culinary form; with scents and smells of sage, turkey and maybe even chestnuts that 1 day a year.

The food becomes the centerpiece, and for us we made sure not to rush and think through the details. We planned for a few weeks reviewing various copies of Cooking light for the best side dishes; and thankfully left the turkey prep to Whole Foods and ordered some desserts (Pumpkin cheesecake from Neiman Marcus anyone? there is still some left in our fridge).

Isabella was looking forward to not only a Turkey, but a cornucopia in the center of our table (which we did create after her suggestion with holly from our trees, and mandarins adding color to the table). Our humble version was not too impressive for her but she was content (and she mentioned ketchup with turkey, oh well a new generation of foodies are arriving). Alec kept on mentioning pumpkin pie every day for about 10 days; so finally I made one; for the 1st time. He loved the whipped cream; but didn't touch the filling. Oh well, it may be better as an idea than an actual tasty dessert (who started this squash pie tradition anyway?).

The day itself was nice; full with great conversation, reacquainting ourselves with family we hadn't seen in a long time (including hearing about my cousin's high school trip to Cambodia as a UN East West initiative). We relaxed, talked, ate, ate and ate.

Apart from the family stuff; eating etc, it seems timely that being thankful and reflecting on those things we have, adds to the authenticity of this holiday so I will make note of a few things that come to mind:

1) I am thankful that Pieter and I played Monopoly with Isabella the 1st time ever yesterday afternoon; and she wiped us clean!!!

2) I am thankful that my Mom travels every other week to see Alec and Bella and has been since they were born; giving them a side I never had; and learning about the people they become.

3) I am thankful that I finally acquainted myself with our garden, a chore 4 years later than it should have been, but at least now I know I can do it (which I was very doubtful) I actually like it (shocker) and I am a better person for the experience is has taught me.

4) I am thankful that my son gives me kisses each night, one on my nose and on my cheek; and reminds me that he likes me just about every day.

5) I am thankful that Pieter and I had a wonderful, incredible trip to Paris this year and that we will now make sure we won't let too much time go by before our next one.

6) I am thankful that my job is incredibly challenging and rewarding, especially when it comes down to the people factor; never did I find individuals that are so trustworthy, dependable and quite amazing to be around.

7) I am thankful for the friendships I have that have sustained the test of time, distance and consequences which change; but yet have no effect on the love and laughter that still comes easy.

8) I am thankful for my Mom-in law Carla who I miss much and wish to see more but is finding her path hopefully new and exciting across the world in her home country of Holland.

9) I am thankful to my children that bring me laughter, joy, wonderment and frustration (only sometimes) on a daily basis.

10) I am thankful, incredibly so for my husband, the anchor of my hectic life and inspiring soul that never ceases to amaze me (or challenge me).

Last, I am thankful that I have learned much this year about myself, including my limitations, learning about pushing beyond my limits, and just thinking differently about things...including learning to be thankful.

Peace out. (if you click on the title; you will see pictures from Flickr)

Climbing the ladder too high

Is there such a thing as climbing a ladder "too" high? In the corporate analogies we use, there is typically a drive to go "up" the ladder and find the highest peak from which we can reach our potential, find challenges, get paid well and exist in a rewarding place.

I wonder if this climbing needs to paced slower than natural, that is to say, how and when should we control or slow this down, or are we drawn by necessity to continue up until there is no other place to go?

Family comes as a huge responsibility, and frankly high priority in today's world. If we take view of what this world is (vs 20 years ago), we are now a global marketplace where despite our access to information, communication and knowledge, many children are left without guidance or enough love and patience to deal with today's harsh reality.

Remember (or not) the simplicity of playing outside until dinner; the closeness of neighbors; familiarity with teachers that remain at the same school for generations; the security of building roots in a community etc just doesn't seem to be present in our insanely paced reality of 2007. As a result,we have to evaluate our role as parents in a new light.

Are we there enough, really? Do we spend enough time reading their bedtime stories, or do we skip pages? Do we look into their eyes and hear what they are saying, for that one moment in time where a smile can light up the entire room; or do we look down at our Blackberry and fail to hear their call for attention...

Reality can be hard, but its all good. It only gets us closer to our true path.

For me, that means questioning my overall time, and how I spend my hours both in work and at home. As an employee,my responsibilities continue 24 hours a day, weekends or holidays notwithstanding. Yet, there are at least 15,000 other people helping the company get where it needs to go, maybe not in the same capacity, but they are all helping with their part. Plus, no one but no one except for ME will ever help me keep myself balanced at work. I need to be my best advocate. I know I am good at advocating for others, that much is clear. Now the real test begins.

Whereas, I have Isabella and Alec, 2 lovely souls who bring utter joy and happiness 24 hours a day till forever who are being cared for by me and Pieter, the two of us. We together, serve not only as helpmates to each other (which also needs it wonderful time to nurture) we serve as role models, friends, teachers, disciplinarians, spiritual mentors every single day, for at least the next 12 years.

Given this reality, how can we fail to meet our mark with such a high level of responsibility? The essence is we don't fail, we try, we strive, we persevere and continue the path.

However, one extra step is needed, and that is to remind ourselves (me that is) that weighing the time considerations that are less and less for me, I have to take stock. I will add a few more hours, a few more days, more time, more minutes to wherever I can because I have to. So if I travel, I will also remember to take stock again and when necessary to give back to my own time, with my kids, my husband and myself. They are the most important people in my life; and frankly no matter how important or interesting my job may become, I am here for many reasons on this Earth and I am sure keeping a balanced life is part of the overall plan.

Finding seekers of the same light

For the last 14 years or so, I have been captured by a certain someone who is not only my best friend, but an inspiring poet, stalwart friend, and a incredibly talented teacher to Isabella & Alec.

Notwithstanding his qualities however, which are obvious to me, since I live with him, it is not always obvious to others. I find it sometimes difficult to explain that he writes eloquently and precisely, has a overarching vision that perceives humanity's greatness, and at the same time can construct a modern/euro kitchen with his bare hands, and play piano calmly but sweetly when no one is listening or so he thinks.

It is particularly frustrating when others identify him in relation to money, in dollars. I am even more squeamish when I get referred to as the "breadwinner" as if a prize has been won, and it is I who possess this bounty...ugh.

For the last 6 years, we have allocated the "funding" of the household to a simple formula. Instead of us both working 50-80 hours a week, and having little or no presence at our home for our children as they progressed from infancy towards children-hood we decided to keep the one with more flexibility at home. This enables an ideal path where we both seek to fulfill our goals within a structure that is elastic enough to enable full extension of our wings when possible.

As a result, I have been working at a company that has challenged me considerably requiring travel,long working hours and at times exciting perks (cruise to the Baltic Sea and US Open tickets to name a few). Though exhausted at times, I love what I do, feel incredibly blessed by this opportunity and feel very deeply that it is a good path so with support and incredible encouragement I remain steadfast and patient to see where it takes us.

He is writing a novel and his focus and determination is crystal clear; the only process to complete has already begun; so there is no turning back as long as our hopes remain high and faith is held strong, between the 2 of us, within and without. The research and development stages of the blueprints and planning have been laid, it is only the visual connecting of the points through the words that remain.

As we get ready for this exciting cornerstone to be forged, we are getting some little details taken care of on the homefront. Reshuffling our home and getting rid of older unused nic-naks that only cluttered our home. Likewise, we are finding books and subjects we refrained from enjoying since they were scattered without order on a random bookshelf.

It was in this reclaiming of order where I came across a book of poems, Gitanjali, by Rabindranath Tagore that retained an obvious familiarity that really surprised me. Although he is not someone modern and a century away, across the other side of world, I finally can say that there is another soul that resonates a similar tone towards truth and vision with the same person that I have become so familiar with over this past decade 1/2, it was if I was reading from the same passages within a century between them. (See for example passage 78 and compare with poetry found on indigored.com)

It made me think that maybe the light that passes between us or with us is timeless, and although many in our frenetic paced world cant always see it, it is there, eternal, endless and radiant to those who can.